NOVEL SCULPTURE (having to eat)

the woman stands in the darkness outside the restaurant and looks down the street and across the extensive roadworks. she is crying. the woman is crying. she looks down into the dark town into the dark town centre she looks down at the main square of her town late at night. she looks down at the main square and sees nobody the woman sees nobody. she sees no human being. the woman cries looks at the roadworks and at the town centre and sees no human being. there is no-one there no man there no woman. they are all gone disappeared there is no-one. crying the woman sees no human being. crying she stands outside the restaurant looks into the dark town and sees no human being. she stands and cries. the woman stands there crying. in the darkness late at night the woman stands outside the restaurant looks across the building site at the central square in her town and cries. there is no-one, no man no woman no-one. late at night the woman stands outside the restaurant looks down at the roadworks at the main square of her town and cries. here there is no-one any more. she thinks of her friends now no longer her friends recognizes her lack of friends recognition all of a sudden: me just me. there is no man no woman no man they are all gone there is nobody no man no woman nobody. the woman walks. she walks past the roadworks down to the main square and walks, strides, thinking. she walks in the direction of her part of town. she walks she thinks and walks. under shock she walks thinking. she walks through the town over the bridge over the towns dark river into her part of town the woman walks. she walks with her characteristic step with her characteristic large steps the woman walks and thinks. she walks into her part of town and arrives at her workshop. the woman enters her workshop. her part of town and her workshop consolingly form a shell around her. her workshop is consoling: here this large empty quiet room space here the tables here the lamps here the bed the little kitchen toilet shower here her pictures here her storeroom here the dark room the telephone the notebook here the file card system of her works and her curved desk. here her shell her workshop here. she goes to bed. she thinks of this evening. she the woman the artist thinks back.


she is at this opening. the woman sees herself the woman at this opening. she will always have to bring herself to go to openings. but the woman artist from britain the meal after the opening and the prospect of meeting her friends and gallerists. so the woman will go there will go. she is always punctual and always stands around at these events much too long. she stands around then always. the woman goes first to her local pub and reads the newspaper and drinks a beer. she stretches her time out and will not be over-punctual. as always the woman is on edge and tense as always when she has to be among her own kind she is on edge, panicky when she has to be among people. especially when she has to be among her own kind.


for the woman it is bothersome each time bothersome to prepare herself for encounters for meetings with her own kind she the woman is on edge when she has to be among her own kind on edge. she thinks she shouldnt be over-punctual and stand around and drinks her beer and reads her newspaper. she is agitated while reading she reads inattentively she skims she drinks her beer too fast she cant be unpunctual she hates unpunctuality in herself and in other people unpunctuality in those around her unpunctuality in others and in herself the woman hates. the woman hates unpunctuality, she knows that its imbecile, idiotic, stupid to hate unpunctuality at openings. the beer and the newspaper are the womans adjustment strategy. she acknowledges through reflection that she should has to have to adjust to a custom. at last she can take the tram at last its the adjusted time the time has been to some extent stretched out. in the tram she sees that she still has overmuch time. she will have to stand around too long. she walks and thinks around she walks strolls and looks around walking. she walks and thinks. thinking the woman walks. she trots to the museum. outside the entrance to the museum the woman adopts a different posture. imperceptibly almost she walks differently looks around differently. the woman is only half-conscious of it. assuming a different hardly different body posture among people of her kind is for her what flipping open their pocket mirrors combing painting over their lips is for other women and clothing clothing to go out in outfit. the woman enters the museum through the revolving door. her strategy of arriving later has the effect that she has missed the official speeches. so the woman can stand around like the others like all the others and she the woman standing around among all the others can do what she likes best: observe and watch and look and see. the woman sees her friends. she thinks that she wont rush over to her friends now most of all the woman would like to run over to her friends to run all around her friends like a young dog. most of all she would like to run around her friends embrace them impetuously kiss them noisily leap around them leap up at them like a puppy like a young dog leap up at them like a puppy puppy-like like a frisky young dog not only not only to mark out that these people are her friends but also her family her chosen family. whom she loves whom she the woman has chosen to love in contrast to her physical family. these her people her loved spiritual family soul family whom she loves, the people whom she loves.


but the woman stands around. she doesnt rush she doesnt leap. she stands. she watches. she sees herself the woman from above, she sees herself standing in the room, she sees the others from above, she hovers and stands at the same time, a possible strategy that stops her from rushing forward, running all around, embracing like a young dog. a strategy of years of work. she stands around. finally the woman walks strolls slowly to the group where her gallerists and friends are standing. the closer the woman comes the more slowly she walks. she is afraid is in panic is panicky she arms herself she puts on her battle gear she becomes a warrior. she arms herself against her gallerists and friends she is on her guard against people of her kind she really must take care. she must take care. she must be wary here is the jungle. she the woman is a jungle warrior. she arms herself against being ignored foolish remarks false kisses small-talk and so on. the woman knows or has learned or believes she knows or knows because she has learned has had to learn should have learned must have learned has had to knows. she knows that people of her kind mean no offense dont do it deliberately. she the woman has had to learn to have to ought to know this. this knowledge is her armour her survival strategy among her kind. if the woman did not arm herself and if she stood there without armour unarmed and stood alongside stood by unarmed she would frisk around her friends and throw herself around their necks and call them show them mark them out out them as her family her protection against her surroundings as her herd against these surroundings. her friends would totally not understand certainly absolutely at this moment absolutely not understand. they wouldnt understand the woman at all certainly not not even after thirty years. so the woman goes to join them, kiss-kiss, how are you. fine here, nice and full too, are you going to the restaurant afterwards too. she continues to stand around waiting. she waits and stands she waits and strolls and walks and stands waiting. at last a move is made. she goes with her people to the tram. she waits for the tram with the others. they all go together to the restaurant they go as a group all together.


the woman wants to go into the reserved area with an artist from her gallery, the woman and the artist are not allowed in, they are not on the list, they have not accepted in writing, the acceptance in writing should have been sent weeks ago. the woman tries once more to get in she tries once again she cant believe cant grasp whats happening to her here. she cant get in. she cant get past these two women with the lists of names her name is not on the list. the woman sees friends and acquaintances go in. the female museum director shrugs her shoulders. the woman has known the director for decades for thirty years. for three hundred three thousand years. the gallerists man and wife go in. they are accompanied by an artist the woman knows, an artist who is working assiduously at getting an exhibition in their gallery. of course his name is on the list. he accepted in writing months ago of course his name is there after all working assiduously at his career after all. after all assiduously after all slickly assiduously. his name is on the list. he walks past the woman and shrugs his shoulders. she the woman stands at the entrance she stands there with the other artist who is also not on the list. they both expect their gallery to do something. the male gallerist speaks briefly to the woman museum director and shrugs his shoulders. the female gallery director does nothing and goes to her table. all go single-mindedly to their tables all go hungrily and single-mindedly directly swiftly to their tables directly swiftly and hungrily they take their seats at their tables on their chairs hungrily they sit down they sit. they sit they feel hungry they are hungry they sit they sit they sit and wait for their meal. inwardly the woman is almost beside herself. she wants to go home straightaway. at first she actually really wants to go home straightaway now home now immediately straightaway back home go home. not because she considers herself to be tactically inept, not because of this unspeakably bureaucratic organization of the culturniks in her town, nor because now, in this way, at all costs she wanted to be included. she is beside herself the woman is beside herself beside herself the woman the artist is beside herself at the lack of regard shown by her people her gallery her gallerists her gallerist couple these two people her people whom she believed to be her friends. over these decades for long years she the woman thought that she with her the woman people on friendly terms for decades her gallerists too. she is beside herself the woman is beside herself that she has to witness the boorishness the boorishness of her gallerist this dullard hungry urge to get to his table in order at last to be able to have to want to take his meal. the woman is really beside herself for the first time really beside herself. it is not the first time she is beside herself because of lack of regard from her gallerists and friends folk. but it is the first time the woman is so utterly beside herself that she suddenly sees clearly. the woman sees suddenly in her cold fury and icy anger. she sees the complete lack of friendship she sees the complete absence of friendly action. she the woman the artist recognizes and sees. she stands there with the other artist from the gallery and is not admitted. they stand at the entrance and are not admitted. the woman and the artist see their gallerist shrug his shoulders and see him sitting down with the others at his table, hungrily. they watch their hungry and shoulder-shrugging male gallerist they watch their female gallerist who goes runs races single-mindedly hungrily to her table. the woman and the artist watch their female gallerist single-mindedly hungrily being hungry having to wanting to go to her table and sit down. she didnt even bother to shrug her shoulders. eyeing her two people the woman thinks that she would not be so beside herself if her gallerists and friends had come and sat with them in the public part at the restaurant bar and taken a brief apéritif if they had at least taken that time the time to show their artists to show them over an apéritif that they stand by them that they somehow belong together briefly belong together the time briefly this little time their two people their gallerists should have taken wanted to take ought to have at all events this time brief time that they belong with them belong to their set belong together. professional at least at all events. their hunger should have had to wait that long the time for an apéritif with their artists at the bar that long that short time at least nonchalantly and elegantly their gallerists ought to have ignored their hunger. it would have been good style stylish of their gallerists nonchalant and elegant to share their powerlessness for a brief time at the bar with their artists and to ignore things. an elegant gesture as the woman and artist considers and thinks while observing her people from the entrance a handsome gesture it would have been to their successful artists. elegant humorous at least for the length of a brief apéritif at the bar to share this time with their artists. the male artist angry thinks further more coolly than the woman the artist. he comes from berlin and thinks considers that they both the female artist for ages internationally and in her town and he already internationally and from berlin that their gallery must without fail take care to see to it without fail and always is responsible for seeing that both of them their artists the artists of the gallery have admission to such events as this evening. a gallery their gallery should take care to see to it that its artists do not have to do everything themselves a gallery must see to it that its artists do not stand around as if they didnt belong among those of their kind. a gallery should take care of not love but take care of.


the insight that the male artist could be right, the insight that the woman the female artist had already had these thoughts at other similarly structured events, the insight that she the woman had already had the same thoughts but had not wanted to embrace them, had had this insight but not embraced it this recognition makes the woman very angry. she feels this anger against herself against her own person the artist herself against herself dimwit against herself a dimwit believing thinking dimwit believing friendship with her gallerists her people would protect her the artist against such a gallerist/artist/relationship. blindly she the woman the artist believed thought dumbly for decades that she was protected by her friendship with these two people against this galleristartistrelationship. she the woman the artist had blindly believed dumbly to be able to wish to have to protect herself through this friendship against these clichés between gallery and artists blindly. the woman the artist wanted blindly to protect herself through friendship. she now has the feeling, however, she sees now, however, however, now, at the present moment, that her balancing system over the last while at least but also for a longer period for some time now for a good while for a longish time has, however, no longer worked. the friendship has become too weak in fact perhaps even perhaps possibly in part or even possibly perhaps has completely disappeared. perhaps possibly thinks the woman even always from the very start for her part been more love. for her two people she was perhaps possibly from the very start perhaps one among many as a person. she thinks that as a person she is silly. she sees herself as a stupid person. she the woman sees herself as an intelligent artist and a stupid human being. she has always known that her art is more intelligent than she herself her work the signs and language of her existence. they are direct signs and pointers of her existence and to her life more intelligent than she the woman herself more intelligent than she woman human being artist than she human being herself alone. she herself reads her art aright reads her art as true. yet as soon as the woman needs to apply what she has read aright she becomes stupid. as soon as she the woman needs to apply what she reads apply aright needs to read her signs and apply them she becomes stupid she becomes a stupid woman a stupid person. the others read her signs her language the womans work differently/wrongly the others read the signs and language as art and only as art. they do not read they look. the others look at the pictures and do not read the signs as language. they look at these surfaces at these attractive surface areas the attractive objects pictures drawings. the others dont see the womans speaking. they the others could not see it. some see the womans speaking when she the artist sets up her exhibitions herself and presents entire room spaces she the woman can must show her signs and her language in entire room spaces. then the woman is the artist intelligently she shows the others her life, intelligently, she makes the others an offer: showing her existence. years ago the title of an exhibition in her gallery was I AS A HUMAN BEING. at that time she didnt actually know what this her own title actually maybe meant. but as she stands with the artist at the entrance to the private function reserved seating area she thinks however of precisely this title I AS A HUMAN BEING thinks standing there of this exhibition whose title she chooses at that time out of an uneasy presentiment. an uneasy feeling also when setting things up. the language of this exhibition that she set up in her gallery among her people this exhibition I AS A HUMAN BEING shows her very clearly her the woman very clearly too clearly that she actually she the woman herself here in this gallery is probably possibly almost certainly not on friendly terms here with the gallerist couple her people, not or no longer, or that she the woman as a human being had never been on friendly terms. she the woman the artist wants the others to read this. she wants above all her friends her gallerists her people to read it.

nothing happens. its art nothing else.

even she the woman doesnt really understand the title and the exhibition even the woman doesnt read her own work or doesnt want really to read it doesnt want really probably certainly to read her own work. she doesnt want to countenance what the fact signifies what it means that the friends her people do not read the offer I AS A HUMAN BEING. at that time she was stupid at that time the woman was stupid very really stupid … standing around at the entrance to the private function area the woman thinks the woman thinks that she doesnt want to be cant be stupid really not stupid certainly no longer stupid. it is later not earlier. she the woman thinks in cold anger thinks icily: she the woman she will no longer allow herself to be driven away she will no longer allow herself to be humiliated allow herself to be pushed away no more shrugging of the shoulders to her. now immediately the woman no longer stands around. she goes and takes with her the artist who is standing around. they take seats in the public part of the restaurant. they are both still very incensed. they place their orders. they eat and drink and try to talk about other things. at the same time they both know that in their minds a two-part dialogue is going on: an internal basso continuo to the external rhythmic talking of their conversation an internal angry basso continuo an internal hum an internal sound angersound furysound. they eat they drink they talk. very late on they can at last go and sit with the others. very late everybody already wants to leave everybody is already tired they have another drink get up and make a move and walk to the restaurant entrance. the woman tells the gallerist that she is just making a quick trip to the cloakroom. when shortly after very shortly after she comes out of the restaurant there is nobody there any longer. no man has waited for the woman no woman. they are all gone. in the dark the woman looks across the roadworks down to the main square of her town and cries. crying the woman looks down the street to her towns main square. the woman stands crying outside the restaurant and looks down at the main square of her town.

then she walks. she walks strides walks with large steps with the swift walk characteristic of her through the town over the bridge over the dark river walks to her part of town home walks and thinks and walks home to her workshop to her shell her real true shell her protection her workshop her shell her place of work her workshop she walks and thinks. she walks at even pace with her rhythmic stride thinks and walks and feels. the woman thinks of the accumulation of similar situations to this evening, of this increased forgetting of her the woman in recent times in recent times this accumulation accumulating several times one after the other recently forgetting her simply forgetting her the woman. she thinks of her probably no longer friends who in recent times frequently forget her the woman, ditch, forget, fail to see, overlook, forget, make invisible.

she the woman will talk with her people the woman will have to talk to ought to talk to them. she will talk with her perhaps still friends she wants to talk with them she will want to have to talk with them. the woman will want to talk the woman wants to want to talk she will talk. she phones she picks up the receiver she dials the number of her gallery and phones. she speaks with her gallerist and no longer knows whether this person is a friend whether this person was a friend. the woman phones and talks she wants to talk and show and talk about the evening yesterday and the dismissive gestures of her people towards her the woman. she talks directly about it about the situation about the mental picture about the course of events which she the woman feels brutal to be brutal brutal forgetting her brutal. she still believes that among ones own kind among friends such things such mental pictures such words and situations disappear among her own kind disappear when she the woman talks with her friends, disappear, no longer occur, will no longer occur, disappear. the woman talks she talks she speaks on the phone she talks and talking speaking describing on the phone talking she notices the woman sees that on the phone in portraying the brutality towards her the woman sees a test she sees the test situation the test. a test situation is taking place talking on the phone is a test friendship test. she the woman observes herself talk on the phone. talking she considers this perhaps still friendship. the gallerist doesnt understand anything and thinks the woman oversensitive. the gallerist doesnt understand the woman, he considers her socially awkward, he doesnt understand he doesnt understand the woman, he justifies his actions, the woman the artist sees on the phone that he has flunked not passed the friendship test, he not only does not understand the woman it seems thats how the woman sees it thats how she considers it when listening to his justifications when listening that she doesnt matter to him either is a matter of indifference. he is he has he believes that he is behaving correctly did behave correctly had had behaved. presumably thinks the woman listening she and her gallerist were only a little bit friendly or perhaps never. perhaps only at the very beginning of their acquaintanceship possibly and later less and less friendly up to now today now actually no longer friendly at all the woman thinks while speaking on the phone. the woman thinks while speaking she thinks while speaking on the phone that needing to speak is in this case the right action that her act of having to want to talk is the really really right thing the true thing. right because true. the womans recognition is a shock. shocked pummeled taken aback she ascertains a lack of friendship. shocked pummeled wounded she sees no friendship any longer. the woman is shocked at herself wounded in herself had not wanted to see the moment the moments of the disappearing of friendship. the woman herself was the only person who failed to see the dissolution of this friendship. the woman could not did not want to could not believe see notice she the woman alone was absolutely unable to see and to notice and to believe that this friendship had at some point dissolved itself without her. the woman alone she remained on friendly terms. she remained on friendly terms with her people. she is on friendly terms with her people without her people being on friendly terms with her. her people that is the shock she feels when phoning with her gallerist her people are no longer on friendly terms with her. her people are not her people. the womans shock and the recognition of truth real truth for the woman the artist for her herself alone only for the woman the shock and the recognition is this: that she the woman just like that she dimwit is on friendly terms just like that with people who at best are colleagues partners business partners and work colleagues at best at most atmostatbest.

the woman is suffering from a shock. what she has long suspected becomes a certainty. what she never could want to believe blindly becomes a certainty. the certainty of a lack which she the woman now wants to believe must be able to believe undeferably must see must want to. she ends the phone call and leaves her workshop she walks the woman walks beside her river towards the town she walks along the river bank the woman walks. piz palü chugchugs past lai da tuma, lunghin, the maria turns and ties up on the bank alongside the wharf. the woman thinks under shock again and again under shock still the woman thinks back.


she thinks while walking thinking of the re-opening of the museum in another town. she meets her gallerists at the railway station they travel as a group with others the group travels. in the exhibition her work has been hung wrongly. the woman is annoyed, she feels annoyed, she will not stand around here for long. she stands around, she walks around, she sits around, she stands around, she the woman doesnt want to stand around any longer. shes happy to see that her gallerists are making a move. shes happy to think that her friends feel the same way as her. shes happy to travel back with them her people. the woman travels back with them. they travel with the others the group travels and during the journey they discuss the exhibition the new museum extension the architecture. they get out at their towns station and go towards the exit. the woman goes to the exit. the others go to the foodstore. they go as a group en bloc to the shops entrance. they all want to go into the store to shop. the woman stands there and looks at the group of people making a bee-line for the store. no-one, male or female, sees the woman. just before the entrance to the store the woman gallerist hesitates and shouts to her that they are buying food something to eat during the match during the match later on. then they all disappear into the shop. the woman stands there. she stands and doesnt understand. the woman hasnt heard anything about a match the woman hasnt got a clue about football the woman is not a fan. the woman stands and thinks that she thought she would be going off with a few to a bar or something, to drink an apéritif or something, the woman thinks she was thinking of an unpredetermined evening with drinks and at most eating out and such stuff or something. the woman stands and thinks that she has thought amiss unthinkingly thought wrong. the woman stands at the exit to the station she thinks and now is sure: the football was the reason for the early departure en bloc of her perhaps probably no longer friends. of course she then goes along with them of course she the woman can go along with them amble along trot along. of course she can join them as they travel and walk there and can join in their discussions sure of course she can join them of course. yet she the woman can just as well not go with them not go along not trot along stand around with them join in their discussions.

only just barely and then only a shouted explanatory sentence is what the woman is worth to her more likely than not probably no longer friend the woman gallerist. she the woman can equally not join them. its all the same whether she joins them or not. its a matter of indifference. its all the same. the woman is as if not there or as if there. the woman stands and looks at the group. the woman reflects on this group of people. this herd these swarm people this herd this grouping this herd like a swarm of course all like a swarm swarmingly informed knowing in their herd instinct of course going single-mindedly to the store en bloc more a herd than a swarm. more an incarnate informed group than a loose assembly of human beings a group informed about the reason in general absolutely of course rushing walking running knowingly into the store. a pigsty-like urge towards the trough. only for informed group members only for football fan members of this herd. informed. arranged long ago. of course. a herd consensus not needing to be voiced.

this image of the group of people disappearing into the store will always be in the womans memory. she the woman goes home to her workshop her shell her existence. she must go back to her existence. she goes back to her workshop. this burn wound is summonable for the woman at any time, this image will have to become have to be visible at any time have to be want to be usable for her. this image of the burning should become usable, this image of the herd this the womans image of herself standing there and looking at her people. standing around as a condition of image production. standing around and watching contemplating seeing looking seeing among other things that this herd this group of people is branding her and watching her own branding. standing around and watching contemplating seeing contemplating these people long too long friendshippeople for the woman. standing around and seeing this friendshipherd and recognizing that these people are not friends any more probably almost certainly. probably for some time already. standing around recognizing seeing contemplating seeing. the woman sees this branded wound. this burned wound of recognition will always be working material for the woman the artist always. this image of recognition will want to be turned into work straightaway will have to become work survival work. the womans chance needs to be a coming to terms. the gift and the skill of the woman the artist enable the work of coming to terms work the gift the skill the life of the woman consists in the work of coming to terms work working away at her contemplating gazing seeing. the chance the gift and the skill consist in the contemplation of and coming to terms with such existential images situations in her immediate surroundings. when the woman feels low, when her spirits flag, when the woman is off-colour her mind thinks in circles her brain circles around her thoughts the sentences forever land up in the same place they go in circles. the words, the single words the situations the images the spaces the sounds circle and start up all over again and again from the same place forever the same sound the same verbal tune the same circling tune the same circling composition one-dimensional on one level and in its tonal movement similar to old gramophone records whose scratches on their black surface make them forever fall scratch into the same groove the scratches on the black surface making the pick-up arm forever fall scratchingly into the same groove and so play only one rotation one rotation of forever the same tune unfinished through the duration of the rotation brutally unfinished and becoming unbearable through the continuing repetition even if the sounds are lovely.

if the woman however if the woman however however is strong she thinks in loops. if however however she thinks back in loops if she can think back in a loop-like way if she thinks back in loops if however the woman the artist can can think back in a loop-like way and her brain thinks in a loop-like and interwoven way powerfully interweaving the loops however then the woman is fine. if the woman is fine she thinks perspectivally archaeologically on several levels in interwoven loops. she thinks the words the individual words the sentences situations images sounds backwards and forwards up and down in a loop-like way. spaces are formed by the interwoven loops they form spaces chains of series that resemble one another and are not identical. repeat themselves each time different interweave with one another and repeat themselves spatially similar to steve reich and phil glass. if the woman is fine she lays down these lovely thought loops interwoven spatially serially if the woman the artist is fine she can determine them she herself the woman she the artist determines them herself and by herself. she files everything away by custom. her whole life long she the artist has by custom filed this loop thinking away interwoven and spatially. so she the woman the artist can summon up at any time what she has filed away can at any time re-activate everything that she has filed away in her life loop-like spatially interwoven. her brain is her archaeology and geology. in the course of her life her brain consists of ever more strata in the course of her life strata she has experienced have become interwoven spatially and in loops have formed deposits in her body, thought, seen, heard, felt, experienced. loop layers image layers interwoven spatially stored by the woman the artist layer by layer. this material stored in her body can be summoned up any time and waits to be worked on worked over come to terms with in work at any time. a vast store of materials to be used all the time at any time. the personal geology and archaeology of the woman the artist is layered material the layer and material store of thinking her thinking. layered thinking to order her feelings the womans feelings to guide the womans overflowing effusive feelings and yet and yet the feelings that often overflow the woman the overflowing of her feelings into visible form through her skill and her gift to use her feelings the womans feelings to think the womans feeling to reflect and direct the feeling of the woman the artist into a method. the woman practises her life her whole life long. the woman the artist practises her whole life long a method of portrayal a method of portrayal a method of portraying and displaying her life.

the woman draws her lips apart the woman grimaces smilingly the woman bares her teeth she smiles she shows her teeth her face contorted into a smile actually however in reality she is baring her teeth like a helpless beast of prey like a she-wolf who sees that she is the weaker member of the pack. like a she-wolf subordinate in the pack. a she-wolf subordinate to the pack a she-wolf subordinated to the rules of the pack. a she-wolf subordinating itself with bared teeth with a smiling face. she the woman she bares her teeth contorted into a smile because she has to watch her gallerist and maybe friend. she observes her gallerist the woman watches her human being as he she doesnt believe what she sees the woman sees how with his hand she sees his hand his hand with thumb and middle finger she sees the woman sees how her gallerist maybe even a little bit friend rubs thumb and middle finger together he rubs thumb and middle finger together obscenely together he rubs thumb and middle finger together and speaks of jews. he rubs his fingers together and speaks of the forever money-grubbing jews. automatically animally the woman bares her teeth as she observes this hand of this friend this gallerist as he rubs his fingers together the woman bares her teeth and smiles at him automatically. of course she belonged here until this gesture belonged here to him to the others felt she belonged for years on end until this gesture this obscene gesture. how can one of her people make this gesture. how should she fight back against such gestures and words as these coming from one of her people. how can the woman how can the woman then the obscenity of this gesture even more obscene when people of her kind use it as a matter of course in connection with jews. if someone around her acts like her gallerist. the woman cant. then the woman cant. against pack behaviour she is helpless helplessly she observes this gesture and automatically bares her teeth smiles submissively at the leader of the pack thus subordinating herself showing her teeth the smile on her face the constrained smile that paralyses her in all her reactions that paralyses her smilingly immobile paralyses paralyses and rigidifies. the womans face rigidifies. with a rigid smile and a friendly farewell kiss-kiss she goes she the woman goes she goes she walks she goes with her swift steps out of the gallery through the town over the bridge through the town back home to her workshop and home only in her workshop at home does her rigid smile dissolve and do her bared teeth relax. with bared teeth and bristling hair she has trotted attentively through her town. at home in her work-shop there back there here in her house in her building the woman becomes herself again. she herself she alone herself at last and she is utterly ashamed of herself. she is ashamed of herself she is ashamed of herself. she is ashamed of herself for not having defended her jews. she did not protect her jews not give any protection for her jews against this obscene gesture this obscene remark. she the woman didnt protect didnt offer any protection for herself. she is ashamed of herself she is ashamed of herself. in panic by baring her teeth to the leader of the pack the woman had preferred to flag up that she wanted to had to should belong to the pack whatever the cost. that she wants to belong whatever the cost makes her ashamed of herself. the woman is ashamed of herself before her jews and before herself she is ashamed of herself.


she is ashamed of herself and doesnt want to be ashamed of herself. her name should become battlename may her name be battlename: when people of her kind rub their fingers together, obscenely, and at the same time speak of the money-grubbing of the jews her name will be battlename. her body the womans body automatically reacts animally. the womans body is more intelligent than she herself. baring the teeth and bristling hair are a survival reaction in the moment of absolute helplessness. the womans body and art are more intelligent than she herself her work is more intelligent than she herself. no longer will she bare her teeth. no longer will she smile. may her name be battlename. she will defend her jews she the woman the artist will defend herself and her jews unconditionally. if through the baring of teeth and bristling hair her body reveals her subordinate position in the pack among her kind she will have to want to leave her kind. may her name be battlename.


the woman walks. the woman walks and treks and thinks and walks. she treks through the hills in the surroundings of her town she walks in her mountain shoes walks she treks she walks treks shouldering her rucksack thinking she walks through arlesheim, gempen, nuglar, sankt pantaleon, seeven, arboldswil, titterten, oberdorf, waldenburg, schönthal this springtime the woman walks treks walks thinking. the cherry trees shortly before breaking into blossom the fruit trees in glorious flower. she walks and thinks. thinking the woman the artist the woman herself walks alone walks and thinks as she walks thoughts think themselves inside her as she walks her thoughts wander. she thinks back over loops and loops she thinks of herself of her herself the woman thinks herself thinking. she sees herself in her workshop in the mountains walking trekking through the hills around her town trekking through the hills she thinks walking in her mountain shoes she thinks of her workshop in the mountains. contemplating the hills around her town she thinks of the mountainscape that surrounds her workshop in the mountains of her mountain workshop her mountain studio her mountain house in which she spends half of her lifetime. her mountain house her workshop.

she watches herself the woman on the phone sees herself in her mountain workshop on the phone sees herself on the phone as she treks through the hills around her town. she sees herself in the mountains in the alps on the phone. she is phoning her gallery. she the woman the artist phones without any professional reason she phones just like that. she phones because she would like to talk a little with her friend her woman gallerist just like that without any reason. to know what shes up to whats going on in her town to chat a bit to gossip. later when trekking through the hills around her town the woman sees herself phoning in her mountain workshop. so she phones. her woman gallerist has no time she has customers. the woman the artist understands. she has always known even as a child that customers are crucial vital always even as a child from childhood she has known that customers bring money lifemoney the money to live to survive even as a child and now as an adult as an artist. for the woman it is really a matter of course really absolutely clear automatic that the woman the artist says some other time that is says over the phone some other time will ring back soon till later. for a long time much too long much too long for a long time much too long for decades on end much too long always the woman then phoned back herself she alone she herself always much too long always always. phoning an act that was too long far too long one-sided always always one-sidedly performed by her the woman. she the woman phones she the woman has to phone back if the others cant talk at the moment. while walking and trekking through the hills around her town the woman sees herself not only phoning from her mountain studio in her workshop surrounded by mountains. she sees herself in her mountain workshop thinking after these phone-calls. the woman sees herself in her mountain studio standing beside the phone and thinking of a situation an image earlier much earlier a film still that reminds her of her standing beside the phone. the woman the artist is in N.Y. in an apartment unsuited to her way of working but precisely but but N.Y. she is working in the knowledge that unsuited is suited to overdue shifts and changes in her work that unsuited breaks through shakes up routine and leads to new procedures. the woman the artist works and walks through the city walks goes through N.Y. which she doesn’t actually like. walks and doesn’t actually like it much probably predominantly because the woman has difficulty finding her bearings in right-angled cities.

after weeks months she longs to talk to a female friend. she phones her woman gallerist back home. the woman gallerist says shes cooking at the moment and cant talk now. she hangs up. the woman stands beside the phone and is at first surprised that her friend picks up the phone and then cant talk. then the woman thinks she thinks then that the woman gallerist will of course phone back after cooking or later. yes actually then the woman the artist thinks if the female gallerist is a friend then she will phone back then the friend will surely want to know what the friend is up to how things are with her and so on. just as the woman wants to know about her friend decidedly actually lovingly actually after weeks and months. yet the woman gallerist doesnt phone. the woman despairs. she doesnt want to phone call up call like this any more. shes not begging for friendship although shes stunned. she the woman cant really grasp that probably possibly her female gallerist is no longer her friend. she the woman at the moment in N.Y. is incapable of grasping this loss of friendship. she is incapable of grasping, of comprehending, the possibility of thinking that possibly perhaps no friendship is possible here any more. it is absolutely impossible for here here in N.Y. just now to grasp to see something like that. when trekking through the hills around her town the woman knows as she sees this image of herself phoning from her apartment in N.Y. thinking of that walking trekking she the woman the artist knows this: that decades ago donkeys years ago there in N.Y. a truth took place that she was incapable of seeing there in her apartment in N.Y.

there in N.Y. the woman the artist writes a text. after this phone-call a text writes material written stunned material collects writes walking collects writing walks and writes in 3 notebooks. the notebooks are red, yellow, blue: red for feelings, yellow for hatred and poison, blue for procedure and method. later much later the yellow notebook becomes the foundation basis for the text POISON/YELLOW published in the womans the artists blue catalogue WHAT LOOKS AT ME. a truth which the woman the artist doesnt want to see even when publishing it although she knows that her work is more intelligent than herself. even the woman she herself is incapable of reading her work! even she the woman the artist is incapable of doing what she reproaches the others the beholders of her work for! even she the artist doesnt read her work! cannot! doesnt want to! doesnt want to cannot have to want to! so she continues to phone continues to keep in touch continues to drop by and for years on end much too long again and again and again and again allows herself to be fobbed off! allows people to say that she should please some other time and so on and so forth! she the woman the artist should understand that her friend the woman gallerist has so much to do so much her woman gallerist maybe friend has so much to do too much to do so much so much too much to do later even more to do too much to do lets talk later. gradually the woman notices gradually much too late the woman notices the artist notices much too late too late she sees herself standing by the phone in her mountain house and thinking and standing and saying to herself out loud: why is it always me who keeps in touch actually! why is it always me who asks! why is it always always me who phones! and the woman sends a fax a fax from her mountain workshop with these questions to her woman gallerist maybe still friend. with the fax the written character of the fax the binding character of the fax the woman tests the friendship value of this maybe still friendship. she stands the woman stands in her mountain workshop surrounded by mountains and lets her fax run through sends the fax. she the woman wants an answer without fail the woman wants an answer the woman wants an answer without fail categorically she wants an answer. it is a test of friendship she wants to end this one-sidedness. she she the woman has subjected herself much too long to this friendship routine smilingly with bared teeth smilingly subjected herself. trekking walking through the hills around her town the woman sees herself standing in her mountain studio and at last at last no longer wanting to play along. now at last the woman really no longer wants to now at last at last the woman no longer wants to not like that any longer not like that once again not like that at last really at last not any longer and sends her fax. the woman sends her fax from the mountain studio. she expects an answer without fail a reaction a sign of life a drawing a speaking an answer without fail. for the woman the artist it would be a token a token of friendship. she waits. waiting she the artist works waiting she walks she treks through her mountains she walks she treks. as she treks walks waits her anger grows. waiting too her angry thoughts her feelings of anger towards this supposed friendship. she the woman waits waits. the longer she waits the clearer it becomes to her as she works waits walks thinks feels: that this friendship with her female gallerist no longer stands. there is no friendship here any more. now here at this point in time with no answer answerless with no reaction answer to this fax the longer the clearer no friendship any more. perhaps it was never a friendship anyway in the way the woman believed it to be. a friendship for the woman essential for the woman for her herself alone even familially essential in essence family for the woman an essential friendship for the woman gallerist one among many perhaps in accordance with its nature perhaps possibly only one friendship among many or perhaps possibly even perhaps not a friendship a partnership friendshipless. a friendly business relationship a business partnership for decades not a friendship a confidential partnership maybe not a friendship conceivably possibly. with an effort the woman calms herself down a little the woman the artist lays aside her recognitions lays aside her rage her anger her sadness she works she lays aside her feelings she works her anger away lays aside works and forgets. doesnt really forget doesnt really calm down but slows down and looks after her feelings. the woman the artist works. she lives regularly and works she works in her town workshop and in her mountain studio. she the woman works and walks in the hills around her town walks and thinks walks and strides and treks and works in her mountains.


for the reopening of the season of the art season in her town she the woman the artist has an exhibition in her gallery. the looked-after feelings the postponed anger cascade out. she the woman has an uneasy feeling about it an ominous sense of foreboding at the idea of setting the exhibition up with her gallerists. she is sure and sure without reason perhaps sure with reason that she the artist can make a good exhibition in this case only by using a strategy of avoidance by employing a strategy of avoidance. to her way of thinking and feeling an intelligent exhibition can be achieved only through avoidance with a strategy of avoiding her gallerists probably no longer friends. an avoidance of contact during the setting-up avoidance of contacts of any kind an avoidance. in line with her idea the gallerists set up two rooms alone by themselves with material from their archive and the artist sets up the third room alone by herself with her latest works on a cluster principle. the exhibition is a success. the opening being the re-opening of the towns art season lasts an eternity. the woman the artist stands around stands and talks and stands around and stands around stands around cheerfully and happily in her room. the room is a success her strategy of avoidance was right the room is true. these are works that exactly in essence exactly match her existence moodwise exactly intellectually as a feeling feelingwise match her being. the room is true at this moment in time. the others stand around and contemplate and see and consider the room and recognize truth maybe possibly maybe possibly not. the woman the artist will never really really be able to know that her whole life through never.


after her opening the woman goes after this closing at last after several hours of standing around talking around she can go. she the woman the artist goes at last to the re-openings opening meal. opening meal of all her towns galleries. she goes and knows goes and knows that events like this goes and thinks and knows. she arrives and jostles her way through to the bar. the woman very thirsty drinks a beer at the bar thirsty from the long standing around a beer handed across friendlily to her the woman by a friendly acquaintance of hers friendlily. she drinks the woman drinks. then she goes to the event part to the outside event opening meal re-opening opening meal out into the mild september evening into this outside area event opening re-opening outside space with long tables under the viaduct in the mild september evening the woman sees the table she sees this long table with her gallerists and probably no longer friends and friends of the no longer friends. she the woman sees them all together at this long table she walks over to join them and sits down at the still free place at one end the woman joins them and sits down opposite her male gallerist. her gallerist is shovelling his food into himself. he is eating boorishly concentrating on eating. her gallerist is eating. everybody else at the table is eating everybody eating. everybody eating everybody else eating. the woman the artist asks her gallerist how it works here and how she the woman herself alone could get a plate a full plate of food she the woman actually she could now get her meal how she the woman now here sitting at this table now here could get something to eat here now like everybody else evidently eating she too wanted a meal needed a meal. her gallerist concentrates on his eating. he lifts his head a little and points to the queue where she the woman the artist could get hold of her meal. her gallerist continues to eat boorishly concentrating on his food. she the woman gets up and goes to the queue food queue to get hold of her meal army fashion. strategically she realizes standing in the queue that she wont be getting any food for an eternity. she will have to queue here for a very long time she the woman will have to queue here for an eternity she the artist today successfully opened her exhibition will have to queue here for an eternity an eternity to get her meal today. in front of her an acquaintance is standing who says – didnt your gallerist look after you – the woman immediately breaks out in tears and immediately she dries her tears immediately and stomps walks strides flamingly angry to her table immediately to the table of the gallerists and their friends. they are eating they are drinking. the woman sits down and lashes into her gallerist. he shrugs the gallerist shrugs his shoulders goes on eating boorishly. mumbles boorishly and mumbles a few excuses. the woman the artist observes the long table: her gallerists, the woman architect, the star male architect and their friends are eating. the entire long table is occupied by eating and drinking creatures. these people are eating and drinking. they have organized their eating and drinking in an efficient manner. they these people have organized themselves and know how its done know how to act know so that they can all eat and drink together. the table this table. the table and the people who are eating and drinking together here. the reason for their eating and drinking together believes the woman the artist thinks the woman is the opening of the womans the artists exhibition. the reason for the eating and drinking together she the woman thinks is her opening. she considers these people she contemplates these persons who, as she, the woman, thinks are here, present, eating, drinking, because of her opening, her celebration, the opening celebration of her work. she the woman the artist has opened her exhibition today. she considers the table she contemplates the entire outside space under the viaduct of her town in the mild september evening lovely. she considers her table which is not her table never was her table possibly or is no longer her table since she the woman the artist has realized this: that these people have forgotten her that these no longer friends in their efficiency have not thought for one moment of organizing the meal for her the woman the artist organizing for her too efficiently. she sits at the end of the table contemplates these people. she contemplates them she gets up and is about to go. by chance and at this moment her brother comes and sees the situation. he sees and understands. he sees and understands and acts. he organizes his sister her meal. he sees. he sees her the sister his sister exhausted sad angry still standing at the end of her exhibition opening table and having to be about to go. he the brother sees his sister taking her rucksack and being about to go unfed and unnourished at her own opening. the brother he sees and grasps this total lack of style and acts. immediately. acts. she the woman the sister is at this precise moment infinitely grateful to her brother. she loves him for this moment of seeing and acting. in this situation she is infinitely glad about him her brother glad about a man who acts about her brother. this brother whom she rarely sees and whose life she doesnt understand. better a brother who acts than this utterly uncouth silence eating drinking. better a brother acting with savoir faire a brother with whom the woman the artist the sister often quarrels than this utterly uncouth boorish mumbling nothing. this utterly uncouth group this herd of utterly uncouth people. better a difficult savvy brother whom she the woman the sister rarely sees than these no longer friends who declare themselves savvy cultured act the intellectuals consider themselves to be easy to get on with and stylish and grade degrade the woman the artist as difficult. better this brother with his innate style who immediately grasps uncouth situations and acts. better to quarrel than uncouthly shrug ones shoulders and eat and drink avoiding conflict concentratedly boorish provincial sluggish. the woman eats. she eats alone since all the others at the table have already eaten. having eaten his fill the gallerist attempts reconciliatory gestures with good wine with which he plies the woman the artist. the woman calms herself down. the eating and drinking play their part the woman calms herself down and calms down. she the woman the artist will not forget this scene. the woman calms herself down by not forgetting and by storing up. she calms herself down by storing the image of this event this evening this image the table and its people. the woman calms herself down. that will be her strategy. these images of situations concerning her the woman affecting her inflicting wounds on her the woman hurting wounding the woman. deposit these images and store them away and later employ and make use of them. later. she calms herself down. she is wounded and calms herself down the woman the artist deposits her material. she deposits her latest layer on the other already deposited layers. the woman calms down and deposits her material.


the woman stands at the counter in the gallery and makes an appointment with her woman gallerist makes a meal appointment an appointment when they intend to go out for a meal together before the woman the artist departs. they make an appointment. they look at the gallery diary together. they make the appointment. on the day of the appointment they will phone again to arrange where they want to eat out she the woman and her gallerists. she the woman and her gallerists perhaps friends make an appointment for an evening meal to go out for a meal in the evening. when on the afternoon of the appointed day the woman the artist has still heard nothing from her gallerists she phones up. her male gallerist knows nothing about an agreement to have a meal he has not heard of any appointment there is nothing he says in the diary. already somewhat angry the woman insists on the evening meal appointment he the gallerist she says should cancel what he intended to do that evening. the gallerist makes his wife the woman gallerist responsible for this error and refuses to change his plans. already very angry the woman lashes into him. they argue. she lashes into him she grows more and more angry. she the woman is in panic and angry she is in panic and now no longer bares her teeth now at this moment really no longer smiles submissively and as they say understandingly really no longer contorts her face in this rigidified even understanding smile now really no longer shows her teeth as a gesture of submission. rather she the woman the artist is angry the woman is so angry the woman is in such a rage the woman is in such a rage. she the woman the artist is existentially angry as a human being and in a rage and in panic and angry. the male gallerist does not apologize, and says that such things, well, you know, happen. through the phone the woman sees his shrug of the shoulders his shrug of the shoulders towards her. she sees this shrug of the shoulders this lifting of his shoulders. after this phone call she the woman stands beside her phone and thinks. she thinks enraged angrily but no longer in a panic but angrily she thinks even no longer in a panic at all but coolly. the woman thinks in a cool fury. the woman thinks furiously in a cool cold rage. life-rage. her life-rage her driving force the cool furious cold enraged thinking: she thinks. the woman the artist thinks and knows that enough is enough now simply enough is enough things have simply gone far enough. she the woman no longer wants to have anything to do with such people. she thinks in her cold rage that she the woman the artist has smiled far too long and has bared her teeth submissively even understandingly far far too long. far too long for too long a time she has adapted herself to this group this herd far too long she has wanted à tout prix to belong to be one of them come what may come what will. far far far too long thinks the woman the artist in her cold fury. now she will not let her anger her rage her thoughts sink down into her geology and archaeology not in this case. today she the woman will not deposit her thoughts and feelings in her layers of materials. she the woman the artist will at last act she the woman think and act in cold fury in cool anger and put an end to these situations at last. put an end to them at last. she the woman will at any event à tout prix and with all means at her disposal now put an end to these actions situations moments scenes that humiliate her the woman the artist. the woman writes a fax:

in recent times you have “just happened” to forget me a few times too often. this shows me that i mean nothing at all to you as a human being. you are not aware of your brutality: you are not even sorry. to hell with you.

as she sends the fax that same day the woman knows that her cold anger is condensed unrefracted in such a text the woman the artist knows that her cold fury is condensing into such a text. it is condensed anger compressed fury that drives her in this text that drives this text. condensed condensation of several years. condensed fury and year-long anger. the woman considers and sees her text her sentences as an exact description. exact describing writing condensed writing of the situation now at this moment now just as she writes the fax now now just writing an exact precise formulation now here at this very moment she the woman the artist is writing exactly and precisely and truly: a condensed describing of how she the woman sees her people acting now towards her acting indifferently and brutally without noticing it.

after the woman gallerist sends back an outraged fax full of rebuttal rebuts the idea that they the two people gallerists friends are brutal people they are she says not brutal people she the woman the artist is she says totally off-beam to dismiss them the two gallerists as brutal people rejects the idea that they are brutal people denies naturally that they are brutal people the woman thinks in cold anger that it is at any event pointless to write such texts. in cold anger the woman the artist thinks that it is obviously hopeless to write precisely and condensedly if the addressees only skim the text en passant and then misunderstand it. such texts are read wrong. its pointless. they are read wrong. even by her gallerists even after 30 years her texts are read wrong or not read at all or read too fast but at any event read wrong and misunderstood thinks the woman coldly reading the outraged reply from her female gallerist standing beside her fax. she the woman the artist wants however thinks however she really at any event ought to talk ought to want to talk face to face with her two people before she leaves at any event nevertheless talk over as much as possible clear up clarify talk as much person to person face to face she the woman the artist alone herself talk with the female gallerist and male gallerist the maybe still probably no longer friends she the woman wants to sit down with this couple at a table and have to talk want to talk once more the woman will talk wants to talk speak talk with the two people her two people.

they meet in the restaurant in the restaurant where they have all been going for a hundred thousand years again and again and know everybody and so on the woman reluctantly even puts up with this place puts up with the compromise puts up in order to talk with her two people she alone herself she the woman the artist. she is punctual. in the dining area on the first floor she leaves her things and goes to the cloakroom. as she comes out again in the corridor in the stairwell near the stairs down in the corridor she hears her male gallerist saying to the bistro-owner old friend for donkeys years of course bistro-owner that he, the gallerist, he, won’t, today, be staying, here, till the cows come home, and will, he hopes, soon, be able to go again, be able to go home. the female gallerist stands beside him and nods. a coincidence coincidence terrible coincidence that the woman the artist hears this hears this sentence sees and hears these three people all together in agreement standing together all together. she the woman stands upstairs beside the stairwell looks down at the three people and hears. she stands in the doorway and shrinks backwards mindlessly in panic she hides she didnt want to see to hear that now she doesnt want now to see her two people coming up the stairs she didnt want to overhear that now she the woman doesnt want to greet her people hardly friends any more after this overhearing on the stairs. she moves backwards. she goes back into the cloakroom. she waits. she tries straightaway to forget she would like to forget straightaway what she has seen and heard. the woman tries to forget. waiting she must forget straightaway at all costs now straightaway forget. she stays in the cloakroom until she assumes that her gallerists have got to their table and sat down. she tries straightaway to forget what she has just heard she the woman must forget straightaway what she has just heard she must forget straightaway coldly forget and make use of her cool head her cool thinking and use them usefully. she the woman in her cold anger must be able to think and speak coolly should be must be able to. because otherwise she the woman again automatically again again bares her teeth bares her teeth in an incessant subservient smile. she the woman the artist must must have to remain coolly angry. she leaves the washroom and goes to their table. the two people the couple are sitting as always at this table at their as always table as for always at this round table as always. the woman the artist greets them briefly and sits down without any kiss-kiss. her anger her strategy prevent physical contact. she sits. of course they have first to place orders. they order. of course the wine is discussed and ordered by the male gallerist and naturally as a matter of course tasted by the female gallerist as always and found to be in order. at last at last finally everything is ordered and the three of them are sitting over their food and drinking. at last really at last the woman talks the woman the artist tries to talk the woman talks and talks her flow of talk she talks unstoppably and she talks and her talking in cold fury and the cool thinking and talking flows on thither whither thither where it will of its own accord the talking talks sentences and connected words of its own logic the inner logic the archaeologic of the woman the layers of her inner archaeology intermingle and talk. earlier now later. she sits opposite this couple she the woman talks and sits opposite this couple. the woman tries to speak at one and the same time to the two people her two people who as individual people used to be friendpeople at least the woman thinks so and is certain that she the woman in the course of her life in different ways was on friendly terms with each individual person in this human couple used to be on different friendly terms with the individual person among these two. also the woman knows the woman believes she she at least she herself used to be on friendly terms with the couple. now she is sitting opposite the couple and thinking and talking talking. she is talking to the couple she is talking the woman the artist is talking to the individual people in the couple with her two people. she is talking towards them. she is feeling the woman is feeling her way towards her people while talking and while feeling her way while talking she notes in cool fury: this talking is no use talking is no use. nothing will get better these her two people no longer want to be felt towards in talking they are no longer the womans two people her two people. the man the gallerist justifies himself while eating he speaks in self-justification he speaks only in self-justification he doesnt make mistakes he. in self-justification he speaks to the woman the artist towards the woman in self-justification. the womans mind goes full storm at this self-justifying talk at this gush of self-justification storm in her mind brain. she interrupts him she blocks off this gush of self-justification by talking she interrupts she talks knowing knowing also through the mans the gallerists remark in the corridor which she the woman overheard although she the woman did not want to hear this sentence by coincidence terribly she the woman overheard knows that this man is now at this time not interested in her speaking in her way. the man the gallerist prefers to eat boorishly concentrating on his food. he eats and justifies himself while eating. thats that the woman thinks thats that she the woman thinks thinks thats that thats that. the woman pokes around at her food she cant eat now she talks talks interrupts the gush of self-justification from her eating gallerist. she talks and interrupts and talks talks until the female gallerist interrupts the talking woman the artist. the woman the female gallerist interrupts. like all couples like all women from couples couplewomen she first of all defends her territory her husband. she the female gallerist the woman speaks a psychologizing language she speaks psychologizingly and quietly persuasively to the woman the artist. she the female gallerist the woman uses a so-called soft female language a soft language water-language a very efficient weapon a weapon that reveals itself to the woman the artist as a weapon through the eyes lowered for attack and through the down-turned corners of the female gallerists mouth. the woman the female gallerist describes the woman the artist as difficult the woman the artist she says is difficult the woman the artist is a difficult person the woman is difficult hard to deal with and she the female gallerist the woman therefore describes dealings with the woman as difficult because the woman the artist she says is difficult the woman is difficult. the woman the artist however in her cold anger now wants to be difficult in her cold anger she really truly really prefers difficult really prefers truly difficult the artist she. the woman thinks that the woman the female gallerist in this roundtable constellation in this table setting and situation would never talk to a male artist to a man in this manner like this in this manner and style would never ever use this psychologizing so-called soft female language towards a man would never ever in front of her own coupleman spouse husband describe a male artist a man in this manner as difficult. looking at her female gallerist the woman the artist in her cold anger thinks that this woman her female gallerist would never ever use this pseudo language if she the woman the artist were a man. in cool cold fury she the woman the artist immediately now from now on immediately thinks as a man. she the woman rebuffs this so-called female language this understanding-pretending female weapon immediately now rebuffs immediately. the woman the artist rebuffs this language she woman as man the woman despises this pseudo-language this i-for-my-part and you-for-your-part-talk language rebuffs immediately immediately now really immediately. the woman the artist ironically coldly points out that when she speaks nobody else but her is speaking. she the woman is always speaking she alone herself when she speaks. she points out now in fury she makes clear that she the woman will now not begin every sentence with i-for-my-part in order to make clear that it is she speaking. she the woman the artist will not descend to not accept this cheap psychological level never ever. the woman the artist will never again talk in this femalely soft so-called female language in this manner she will not have done it for some time now for a good while she remarks ironically furiously to her woman gallerist. she the woman the artist has long since changed her language with a gain in clarity gain in happiness for some time now for a long time. thats that thinks the woman thats that thats that thats that she thinks the woman the artist sitting at table with the human couple and talking. talking speaking the woman the woman sees this couple remain seated this couples routine their remaining seated the routine of wanting to be quickly over and done with this situation unpleasant for the two of them consuming their time unpleasant situation the woman the artist sees the routine the language of routine dealing with the woman and artist from the point of view of the gallerist couple difficult and hard to handle. for this seasoned gallerist couple the woman is a care case. the woman the artist sees herself becoming in the eyes of her gallerists a case now at this very moment immediately now here. becoming a difficult person a difficult care case. a case. she the woman sees herself becoming a case. thats that thinks the woman the artist thinks thats that thats that. she the woman gives up her cold thinking in anger and grieves. the woman gives up she gives up thats that. she will not fight because theres nothing left to fight for. thats that thats that thats that the woman thinks. she wont fight shes not fighting any more. she doesnt fight she grieves she cries she doesnt talk she doesnt fight she cries she the woman cries. she didnt want to cry. she doesnt want to fight any more she the woman cries water floods into her eyes from below she cries. water floods from below into her throat into her eyes through the tube of her throat into her eyes and out of her eyes. crying and thinking the woman the artist explains to her gallerists why she is crying. she talks and she cries. crying she talks she talks talks crying. crying she declares this nolongerfriendship to be over and puts a conscious end to it by talking crying talking. it is the end of this friendship which possibly never was one at any event has been over for some time the woman the artist cries the woman talks. the crying stops dries up and her angry thinking and cold feeling. she the woman thinks talks talks about it about her capital life mistake towards her two people. she the woman the artist was much too long on friendly terms as an attitude of life just like that without any return value much too long blind really truly blind. much too long she the woman has kept up this her own the womans the artists illusory world of friendship as a substitute for loving a substitute for family. blind much too long blind really much too long. hers the womans herself alone her life mistake. she alone herself only she the woman the artist the woman has made this life mistake she alone herself she the woman the artist. while she the woman says this she feels truly. it is true really really true. she is speaking right and truly. she the woman feels her speaking to be true. she is speaking right. she is true.


thats that thinks the woman. she gets up and goes home. thats that.


miriam cahn   2007


translated by Richard Humphrey